Friday, July 23, 2004

Stay Outta Hollywood, Lebowski

Yesterday was quite the rant, so let's shift gears a bit, eh? Instead of some long convoluted tirade on the state of the surf industry, let's just weave together a handful of random observations and call it clever.

Right, then...

Longboarding is really hard. Obviously the getting up and catching waves part is easier than shortboarding, but everything else is much harder. Carrying the board, paddling out, maneuvering, just overall DEALING with the beast is a  bitch.

After yet another log sesh in afternoon HB slop, I have a whole new respect for longboarders (and by "longboarder" I don't mean "funboarders" or anyone riding anything under a 9'0"). Getting caught inside is almost maddening. Shortboards are just so easy to deal with. Duck dive after duck dive - no problem. But punching through on a 9'8" thickly glassed canoe is a whole other deal. Turning turtle, flipping back over - whatever - even just a few waves can take a lot out of you.

Anyhow, the waves were tiny, sloppy, and doubling up - complete crap, really. But it was a lot of fun, and I'm tired. Beats the hell out of jogging, too.

So, Wednesday night I made the mistake of watching In God's Hands on TiVo. I avoided it like the plauge when it came out in '98, and for good reason. Sidestepping the whole surf movie thing, this is simply one of the worst regular movies I've ever seen. At least North Shore was fairly campy...kind of Ride the Wild Surf meets The Karate Kid. In God's Hands is just...AWFUL.

I don't know, maybe it will be funny awful in a few years and we'll go see the midnight showing at the Lido Cinema and laugh and drink beers. Not ruling that out at all. But MAN, everything about this film is hideous. Shane Dorian's subdued whisper-acting (ALA Bruce Willis in Unbreakable) is just so pathetic. And his little gappy teeth and brooding 1,000 yard stares. Ouch.

Matt George chews enough scenery that at times I almost expected him to pull back his cape, throw up his arm like Master Thespian and yell, "ACTING!"

The best part though, has to be the scene in the Balinese cafe where Shane, Matt and Matty hook up with the "Strapped Crew"...Derrick Doerner, Rush Randle and, you know, those other Hawaiian guys.

To really appreciate this scene though, you have to flashback to The Blues Brothers.

Remember all the guys in the Band, aside from Jake and Elwood? In case you didn't know, all those guys were (are) legendary musicians in real life. Steve Cropper, Donald "Duck" Dunn, the whole lot of 'em...seriously, some of the best in the business. It was great because none of them could act worth a shit and they all got like one or two lines, but it didn't matter, because each one was so badly delivered that they became instantly memorable.

"He opened up a soul food restaurant with his old lady...and he took Blue Lou with him."

"We'll never get that fat sound without Mr. Fabulous."

"I say we give the Blues Brothers one more chance."

"Why not? If the shit fits, wear it."

And that's exactly how that scene in Bali was. 5 legendary big wave riders, allowed to play themselves, and carving their lines out of pure wood. Beautifully awful. Derrick Doerner was so bad that after I stopped envisioning Matt "Guitar" Murphy and Tom "Bones" Malone, I started thinking about Karl Hungus from the Big Lebowski saying, "Yah...I haf come to feex da cable", everytime he opened his mouth. 

With that said, the Colonel might just put up his longboard-battered feet, tune out the sound of HB police helicopters spotlighting skinheaded tweakers on cruiser bikes, and pop in the aforemention DVD .

The Colonel says, "Calmer than you are, Dude."

At ease.